As seems to be tradition within my blog, I’m going to
apologise for my infrequent posting. However this time instead of making some
form of promise to post more or give some half- hearted excuse, I am going to
give you the truth- and if there is only one promise I make on this blog for
the rest of its existence it is this; I will always be bluntly honest here,
this is one of the few places where I am unashamed to be unapologetically and
entirely myself.
As the title of this post may suggest- I have given myself
the title of a ‘Lazy Perfectionist’. This title is coined from a conversation I
had with an old councillor when he tried to explain to 12 year old me some of
the things going on in my brain (more of which I may delve deeper into as I
adjust to this blunt honesty shit I’m pulling here and feel more comfortable
admitting it not only to people I do and don’t know, but to myself) in the
simplest of terms. We were having a conversation after I had gotten a detention
for not doing my homework- which he later got me out of- when he explained to
me a common trait of people in the same boat as me was procrastination. He
explained that they have a need for everything they do to be perfect, however
do not have the self belief or motivation to make it so and find it easier to
not try at all so that it can be played off as lack of interest instead of lack
of capability. He then chuckled at my amazed little face as this revelation
took root in me and made the load on my shoulders feel a little lighter, and
then simply said “You’re just a lazy perfectionist.” And since then, I have
carried the term with me- seeking comfort in not only the fact that I am not
alone in this habit but also that I now have a name for an issue I struggled
with blindly for years. This term meant I now knew what I was up against and
could work out a way to beat it.
However despite this term having given me the new found
resolve to fight my own habit and force myself to work despite my obsession
with perfection and lack of faith- I still sometimes struggle. Since my last
post I have written a dozen things I could have used in this period of radio
silence, but with my hectic schedule I didn’t feel like I had the time or
energy to edit them to my own standards- my internal perfectionist couldn’t
cope with the idea of me putting something into the world that wasn’t good
enough. Sometimes I still myself to put on the “I don’t give a shit” facade when
in actual fact I’m afraid of looking like a fool when I do try but still fail-
just look at my attempt at AS biology or my half filled sketchbooks (only one
of which I plan on making an effort to amend- the new pack of pencils may give
a hint to which one I’m talking about).
This mindset is not only my reason for struggling to begin
something, it is also the reason why I often fail to finish them- the amount of
times I’ve started new projects, or exploring new hobbies but not finished them
because I don’t see them as good enough without knowing how to fix it or not
seeing myself as good enough to justify spending time on carrying on (looking
at the unused guitar strings and book of tabs I bought after my only lesson
with Rosie). It’s not an excuse I know- it means I’m often unreliable and at
times a complete mess when it comes to organisation and keeping on top of my
life- if anything it is one of my worst qualities. But it’s the truth, a truth
which my nearest and dearest have had to adapt to handling.
So- this evening I decided it was time to take a step, and I
thought the easiest way to do that would be to post an un-edited update and
begin working on some new posts- one of which will be uploaded by the end of
the week, whether I see it as perfect or not. I have also realised that one of
the easiest ways to quieten that little voice that niggles at me while I write
to rest by leaving all of my posts unedited then getting a second opinion
before reading it over again myself- thus taking away some of the pressure from
myself.
Already I feel this plan working, just the act of writing
has gotten the cogs turning and my mind overflowing with new ideas and plans
for old ones. I am going to kick this habit’s ass but I’m going to need you to
hang on with me while I do so, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Thank you for supporting me and my writing-
Georgia xx
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