Tired

Darkness was home,

But now I am blinded by light.

Holding false smiles,

While happy memories are caught on film. 

We reminisce. 

Thinking of yesteryear, 

When you still clung to the bottle

And I couldn’t work a lighter. 

I stumble in my heels. 

The Euripides of the party, 

I use tequila and cheap perfume, 

To mask my tragedy.

I still notice the sideways glances-

The looks of concern- 

And I laugh them away, 

There’s nothing a pretty smile can’t hide. 

But even the smallest hurdle, 

Can cause the facade to crumble. 

Sometimes the emptiness feels so heavy, 

And God- Daddy, I’m tired.

Fireworks

 “Penny for the guy?”

Echoes from every street corner;

Where kids hope to make enough change

For a dodgy roll up from their brother.

The chill air carries the faint smell

Of stewing meat and molten sugar.

Boys jeer and drink cheap cider,

As the girls giggle around a cone of cold chips.

This years local celebrity plays host

Over the outdated sound system-

The din drowned out by police sirens,

Not on our estate for a change.

When the first rocket soars the atmosphere is changed,

The children stand in awe,

The once beautiful mums cracking a smile

At the cheesy ballad from their prime.

For once the air really is filled with the sound of fireworks,

Even the lads and dads fall silent.

The smoky air not caused from fags

And no lingering funny musk scent left behind.

It’s not necessarily the setting; Hollywood is miles away.

But when you live in a city of sin, you can’t help thinking-

If God created the stars,

This is the closest we will ever get to Heaven.

Say My Name

Say my name.

Let every syllable roll off of your tongue so slowly

That my ears are shocked when they realise,

The word fat did not follow.

Say my name,

So loud, so often that I no longer tense-

Expecting it to be punctuated

By the thud of a fist hitting a wall.

Say my name.

Sing it so melodically that it is impossible

To feel insignificant,

Whenever I hear it spoken again.

Say my name,

close to my face; so close

that my nostrils no longer burn with the scent of whisky,

just by association anymore.

Say my name,

So gently as we lie together,

That my ears no longer strain to find

The tone of manipulation, they are so used to.

Say my name.

Say my name.

Say my name.

Because when you say it,

It’s my favourite sound.

Love Yourself

I spent a very large part of my life hating myself- in fact to this day, I still have days where I can’t stand to look in the mirror. It’s not even solely about my appearance, to an extent that would be easier to deal with; it’s also about me as a person; I have always found myself annoying, vain, selfish and simply an unlikeable/ undesirable person.

However one of my main goals to accomplish while I’m seventeen is to learn to love myself- considerably the most important lesson a girl needs to learn before she grows up. I am aware that there is still a far way to go before I truly reach self- assurance, however I have noticed a massive change in myself due to the changes I’ve made and hope maybe they will help you to begin this same journey. So here we go...

1.      1)  Eat right- and by this I don’t mean live on kale and cook everything in coconut oil, although both of those things are a part of it. Take care of yourself and eat healthily and sensibly, don’t eat right before going to bed and choose a salad over pasta every now and then. But then also let yourself eat a bowl of ice-cream with the X-Factor or eat a pizza at a sleepover. The key is to neither restrict or over indulge; you don’t have to deny yourself what you enjoy, because that’s just as bad as eating it all the time. Just listen to what your body needs and then on the occasions it wants a treat, let it have one- just don’t take the treat too far.

2.       2) Exercise- you don’t have to run a marathon but just choosing to walk to school once or twice a week will ultimately make you feel better. The exercise will release endorphins which are the happy chemicals- just look at Mo Farah, he’s always smiling.

3.      3) Date yourself. This may sound sad at first but dating myself is the best idea I’ve ever had. You don’t necessarily have to take yourself on a candlelit dinner to achieve this; just have lunch alone every once in a while or take half an hour a day to really think and get to know yourself without any distractions. I especially like to go shopping alone and then grab lunch at a coffee shop- there’s something therapeutic about reading a book to the smell of freshly ground coffee.

4.     4) Give yourself credit. This is one I’m still trying to master but so far I have learned that there is a massive difference between humility and self-depreciation however it is a line easily crossed. Be proud of your accomplishments and relish in the praise, just give credit where it’s due.

5.      5) Treat yourself. Slightly different to food but in the same vein. One of my best investments is pretty underwear- it just makes me feel good about myself even though no-one can see it. Whether your thing is makeup, clothes or even something completely unrelated- just find something that makes you feel confident and invest in it.

6.      6) Be honest with yourself. If that means admitting your favourite jeans are too small now or that you could have tried harder on the test- being honest with yourself just allows you to create goals for you to achieve that will be rewarded with a feeling of pride and general happiness.

7.     

            7) Surround yourself with good people. Remove negative energy and surround yourself with love and eventually the love they have for you will catch on to you. Friends and family are a priceless resource that will change your whole perspective, choose wisely and they will cause you to forget all of your unhealthy inhibitions and insecurities.

8.      8) Capture the good memories. Whether you keep a diary, take endless photos or make a playlist for every occasion, just find something that allows you to revisit the happier times on your bad days.

9.      

       9) Find a hobby- having something productive to occupy your time when you feel like shit will always help to pull you out of a bad mood. How can you feel insignificant, talentless or worthless  when you just crocheted an Eeyore?

And finally, the most important lesson of all- embrace the bad days. You’re stuck with them so use them to your advantage; find what makes you feel bad and fix the problem, whether that means changing your lifestyle, job or bad relationship and if the bad feelings don’t change, use them to your advantage until they do, some of the world’s greatest creations were born from the worst of experiences.

Lipstick and Feminism

I am sick of being underestimated. People assume that because I love high heels and doing my make-up is my favourite part of the day, that I am somehow lesser than them. I am tired of having people think I’m stupid or ignorant to the world around me just because I enjoy classically feminine pastimes. Time and time again I have been told to “not talk about things I don’t understand” or to “stop pretending to be smart” all because I take genuine pleasure from shopping as well as having an interest in activism for equal rights. 

Worst of all, many of these comments come from other women. To an extent I can forgive a man who may subconsciously feel better informed or superior to me- that is down to the subliminal sexist messages and gender roles society has educated them in since birth. It’s not right but it is understandable. However, what I cannot understand is the messages I receive from women who are of equal age, if not older, telling me to not play ‘feminist’ just because Taylor Swift made it cool- they try to tell me that by conforming to certain elements of gender norms, that I am not worthy of the title ‘feminist’. 

Was it not Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie who wrote a whole article on this very argument? That a woman can be interested in fashion and her appearance without it at all affecting her intelligence or of her part in the movement of gender equality? We no longer live in a work where the only way to take on the patriarchy is to defy it completely. We fight so that we can make our own choices based on our own interests and beliefs- how can we expect to be given the rights to this freedom by men when we are still refusing to give each other this right? 

Women did not die for you to tell me that I am oppressed my MAC palette. They died for me to have the choice to vote, to get an education and to have my own job. Because of them I am going to university and travelling the world instead of starting a family and running a household. Because of the suffragettes I am able to write a novel without needing a pseudonym, because of them another woman can be a stay at home mother and because of them a woman can be prime-minister and still love her red lipstick.

Slut. Whore. Vain. Self-absorbed. Narcissistic. Bitchy. We give each other these labels then expect men to stop labelling us in the same way- the only way we can win this fight against the patriarchy is if we stop enforcing it ourselves. Until women- hating is dead in the water, the patriarchy will continue as it always has. 

So for future notice- I will carry on winging my eyeliner and wearing dresses while I continue to fight for equality of the genders. And I will crush the patriarchy under every step of my Louboutin heels.

I am a mess

I am a mess.

I start notebooks and never finish them; I chew my pens to death. I will paint my nails and I will have chipped off half the varnish in no more than two hours. I refuse to pair my socks and I can’t remember the last time I brushed my hair. I think a coffee with two sweeteners is an acceptable meal and the smell of cigarettes reminds me of home. My room is rarely clean and I never do my own laundry.

I have a switch blade attitude and a glare that could freeze over hell. I break the spines of books and cut up magazines. My notes are always covered in doodles and illegible, my homework is rarely done on time and I can’t remember the last time I was in a good mood for a whole day of college. My lipstick is always a mess and my feet are constantly aching from the heels I wear and I always complain. I am unintentional flirt who is incapable of recognising when someone is flirting back.

I am unnecessarily stubborn and refuse help even when I need it. I am never on time and I have turned making up excuses into an art form. I am pathologically sarcastic and I have a savage sense of humour. My mouth has no filter and I make promises I never keep. I hoard pointless things and I live on a tangent. I procrastinate for weeks on end and then get ridiculously stressed out.

Money is no object until I have none left and I spend too much time shopping online instead of studying. I have no concept of how to react to other people’s emotions and I am sometimes too blunt for my own good. I crave love but I am terrified of commitment. My first reaction to bad things happening is to hide from them and I put too much love into drinking. I over think everything and I am indecisive. My mind is constantly going at a million miles an hour even though it seems like I'm going nowhere. I have a lot of walls up that prevent me from being close with people and I am very picky about who I let in or how close they get.

I am always embarrassing myself and making bad choices. When something won’t go my way, I give up and I am irrationally secretive. My self confidence is at rock bottom despite how vain I am and I am easily bought. I am a walking cliché and pretentiously poetic. I know what I want and I will do whatever it takes to get it.

I am ridiculously bitter and pessimistic even though I am always laughing or being loving towards my friends. I put way too much of myself in to pointless things and many of my relationships have been unhealthy at best. I spend too much time caring for others and not enough time looking after myself and I spent a lot of time chasing and loving people who didn't treat me well. It's only recently that I have gained a big group of friends whom I know all care for me and treat me well; but even though these relationships are better for me than previous ones- they still frighten me.

I know I have these flaws, as do the people I surround myself with. These imperfections make me who I am, and they love me for them –or enough to put up with them- just as I love theirs. Some of these things I am working on, I try to improve my habits even if I can’t entirely fix them, but some of these character faults I know aren’t going anywhere soon.

These are the traits that make me who I am, I own them and work with them; I have accepted them for all they are, as have the people who matter most. It’s time to move on and grow with them as best I can.

(Credit for the GIF goes to the creator, I'm sorry I have know source :/ please let me know if it's yours)

I am a 'Lazy Perfectionist'

As seems to be tradition within my blog, I’m going to apologise for my infrequent posting. However this time instead of making some form of promise to post more or give some half- hearted excuse, I am going to give you the truth- and if there is only one promise I make on this blog for the rest of its existence it is this; I will always be bluntly honest here, this is one of the few places where I am unashamed to be unapologetically and entirely myself.

As the title of this post may suggest- I have given myself the title of a ‘Lazy Perfectionist’. This title is coined from a conversation I had with an old councillor when he tried to explain to 12 year old me some of the things going on in my brain (more of which I may delve deeper into as I adjust to this blunt honesty shit I’m pulling here and feel more comfortable admitting it not only to people I do and don’t know, but to myself) in the simplest of terms. We were having a conversation after I had gotten a detention for not doing my homework- which he later got me out of- when he explained to me a common trait of people in the same boat as me was procrastination. He explained that they have a need for everything they do to be perfect, however do not have the self belief or motivation to make it so and find it easier to not try at all so that it can be played off as lack of interest instead of lack of capability. He then chuckled at my amazed little face as this revelation took root in me and made the load on my shoulders feel a little lighter, and then simply said “You’re just a lazy perfectionist.” And since then, I have carried the term with me- seeking comfort in not only the fact that I am not alone in this habit but also that I now have a name for an issue I struggled with blindly for years. This term meant I now knew what I was up against and could work out a way to beat it.

However despite this term having given me the new found resolve to fight my own habit and force myself to work despite my obsession with perfection and lack of faith- I still sometimes struggle. Since my last post I have written a dozen things I could have used in this period of radio silence, but with my hectic schedule I didn’t feel like I had the time or energy to edit them to my own standards- my internal perfectionist couldn’t cope with the idea of me putting something into the world that wasn’t good enough. Sometimes I still myself to put on the “I don’t give a shit” facade when in actual fact I’m afraid of looking like a fool when I do try but still fail- just look at my attempt at AS biology or my half filled sketchbooks (only one of which I plan on making an effort to amend- the new pack of pencils may give a hint to which one I’m talking about).

This mindset is not only my reason for struggling to begin something, it is also the reason why I often fail to finish them- the amount of times I’ve started new projects, or exploring new hobbies but not finished them because I don’t see them as good enough without knowing how to fix it or not seeing myself as good enough to justify spending time on carrying on (looking at the unused guitar strings and book of tabs I bought after my only lesson with Rosie). It’s not an excuse I know- it means I’m often unreliable and at times a complete mess when it comes to organisation and keeping on top of my life- if anything it is one of my worst qualities. But it’s the truth, a truth which my nearest and dearest have had to adapt to handling.

So- this evening I decided it was time to take a step, and I thought the easiest way to do that would be to post an un-edited update and begin working on some new posts- one of which will be uploaded by the end of the week, whether I see it as perfect or not. I have also realised that one of the easiest ways to quieten that little voice that niggles at me while I write to rest by leaving all of my posts unedited then getting a second opinion before reading it over again myself- thus taking away some of the pressure from myself.

Already I feel this plan working, just the act of writing has gotten the cogs turning and my mind overflowing with new ideas and plans for old ones. I am going to kick this habit’s ass but I’m going to need you to hang on with me while I do so, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Thank you for supporting me and my writing- 

Georgia xx   

Tips for the Newbies

As the classic British weather finally catches up to us and Sainsbury’s has pulled out all of it’s ‘Back To School’ signage I thought it was the perfect time to share some of my tips for those of you starting your first year of college (as in the UK’s education system, the awkward two years in between High School and University). Now I’m sorry to be the rain in your summer break but September is nearly here which means it’s time to start awakening from your current summer-induced lethargic state and start getting ready to learn. College is a difficult place, there is no easy way around that- whether you’re doing A-Level’s or BTEC’s- however I hope by compiling this little list of tips and lessons I picked up in my first year, you will be able to avoid some of the mistakes that I made.

1 1)      Despite what everyone around you is telling you, you do not have to get a job (unless your circumstances are more complicated than the common reasoning for part-time work). To be blunt, all of the work you will have to do in order to do well will be stressful and time consuming enough so avoid getting a job that will mean you have no time left for leisure and completing work outside of college- a few quid extra to spend is not worth all of the additional stress you will be adding to your plate.  

2 2)      Be organised. Take yourself stationary shopping before college starts and get prepared. One of my biggest mistakes was not clearly organising and preparing notes for revision, which made exam preparation even harder. Plus a gel pen can make even the most boring essay that little bit more bearable- I promise that.

3 3)      Meet new people and make friends. Everyone is going to be a bit unsettled in that first week which makes it a perfect time to meet a new friend and expand your social circle- sit by someone you don’t know and strike up a conversation in class and see where it goes.

4 4)      Similar to number 3 try to become introduced and comfortable with a majority if not all of your class groups. This will create a sense of community and make even the most boring subject material more entertaining. Plus then when it comes to exams that community will pay off resulting in study groups and shared revision materials.

5 5)      DO NOT GO ON A NIGHT OUT IF YOU HAVE COLLEGE OR WORK THE NEXT DAY! I have made this mistake too many times and hated myself for it.

6 6)      When exam season comes around no one will judge you for looking awful on exam days- I went to my Literature exam with two hours of sleep, no makeup and greasy whilst essentially wearing pyjamas. All that happened was a few friends hugged me, I was offered a coffee and a couple of people I didn’t really know gave me a smile and told me they were feeling the same way.

7 7)      Don’t be an arsehole to teachers or other people in your class. You will just get less support when you need it- plus no one wants to be friends with a dick.

8 8)      Eyeliner and coffee make everything better.

9 9)      Use free periods to do homework; revise etc. Your grades will thank you for it and it will leave you evenings and weekends free for other things like jobs, dating and friends.

1 10)   Parties are fun whether you want to drink, do drugs etc or not (not promoting any of this behaviour by the way). Just be careful and don’t put anything online that you wouldn’t want your Nana to see.  

1 11)   Tutors are a gift from the Gods of Further Education. Utilise them.

1 12)   There are things and people that will come into your life that you didn’t even know you needed until you had them (Thank Hope for that philosophical gem)

1 13)   Always have spare sanitary towels/tampons- whether you need them or not, chances are a friend will.

 

1 14)   Find a hobby- something productive and fun for in your down time. It will stop you from going crazy.

1 15)   Life is more enjoyable when you spend it being less judgmental and pessimistic. It’s not cool to hate everything, it’s boring.

1 16)   In this next year you are going to grow so much that you won’t recognise yourself as the same person in a year. Your friend group, the way you look, your goals and aspirations, your interests, your habits are just a few of the things that will change; this all completely fine and natural and just a part of growing up. Just try to grow into a good person and the rest will all be golden. I know I changed completely and I believe it was at least mostly for the better.

1 17)   Friends are not better just because you have known them longer.

1 18)   Spend less time worrying about what others think of you; it’s easier and more productive to use that time for your work and making positive changes to the way you see yourself.

1 19)   Amazon Prime and a library card will save you a fortune on required/additional reading.

2 20)   Spotify and 8tracks will get you through revision and homework.

2 21)   Take a water bottle and snacks. You will thank me.

And finally...

2 22)    Do not stress yourself out too much- you will just make yourself physically, emotionally and mentally ill. Your health should always come first so take time to look after yourself.

Good luck for college and I’ll post again ASAP I promise.  

Dancing In The Rain

For as long as I could remember I’d had a dream- one day a handsome man (who looked suspiciously like Zac Efron, forgive me I was only 11 when this dream came to be) would take me on fairytale like date that would end with us dancing to the beat of our own hearts in the midst of a summer downpour. After countless marathons of Step Up, Dirty Dancing and, yes, High School Musical- I find myself often wondering when I would get my Hollywood moment with my very own Noah. I would find myself dreaming of the dance daily, wondering when I would find the one and I would get the chance to live a love worthy of a Nicholas Sparks novel. I guess I’ve always wanted a silver screen cliché.

Then you came along and instead of Noah, or any of the other dreamy characters I had fallen in and out of love with over the years, it was you I was dreaming of sharing this moment with. However I held back- not wanting to give it to you to early, afraid of wasting my one chance of a Hollywood romance on a love that wouldn’t last. I needed it all to be perfect- the situation, the timing, the partner. It wasn’t until that date in September, almost a whole year after we were first introduced- that I decided to take the plunge.

It was one of the rare days towards the end of the British summer where in our stubbornness we refuse to acknowledge the grey clouds and partake in some stereotypically summery activity or other. You had demanded to see every corner of my hometown so after a whistle-stop tour of the place I had escaped only a few years ago, I decided to take you to one of the few places that I will admit to missing purely for the view. We bought ice cream and sandwiches and used your jacket to set up an impromptu picnic overlooking the lake. We ate, laughed, kissed and fed the ducks before getting up to walk back towards the car. Until that point we had managed to stay warm and dry but it was halfway through the story of how I pushed my dad into the lake that I felt the first droplet hit my nose. Within seconds the rain was pouring but as I tried to drag you under the trees for shelter you pulled me back, refusing to move from your spot. You pulled me closer, placing your hands on my waist and started to rock us slowly, as the rain soaked our clothes and you hummed our song.   

Admittedly it wasn’t quite like the movies- with the water proof makeup, space heaters and perfect staging to make it seem Oscar worthy, our real life un-choreographed imitation was charmingly messy at best. I was shivering from the cold by the end, with makeup running down my face and you were laughably out of time thanks to your two left feet. But still, in that moment it occurred to me that I had never been so in love before because despite our flaws, I still saw our little story as even more beautiful than the story of Jack and Rose; and I knew we’d get a happier ending.

   

Let's Drink to Us

I never believed in love. I thought  it was something made up for the purpose of writing books and making films that people eventually started putting into everyday life in order to make it a little more bearable. I guess you could say it was just my own stubbornness that wouldn’t let me admit all of this to you sooner- and if you ever show this to anyone I swear I will kill you.

I knew you were the one almost straight away; even though I refused to admit it to myself at the time- I knew that in some way, you were going to be the game-changer. You know what I mean by that don’t you? I always knew that you would be the one to change my perspective of the world. Now I’m not claiming it was love at first sight- it was more like anxiety; I knew you were going to push me out of my safe little bubble that I had been living in, that’s why I avoided you for so long. I spent months after we first met keep you an arm’s length away, I think you may have even thought I disliked you, but really it was just for my own safety. I didn’t want to risk falling and then you not catching me, or changing your mind at the last second- leaving me battered and bruised at the other end. You scared the hell out of me, and I think that’s how I knew you were the one.

But slowly, very slowly- I started to notice things. When I started imaging the adventures I wanted in my future I was no longer on my own on them, it was always you by my side- with that stupid smile on your face and cracking awful jokes that could make even my icy heart melt. All I could see was that smile, or the way you had a single freckle on your left cheek, your permanently mismatched socks and that one curl in your hair that never went the same way as the rest- it was all you.  People would make comments about the two of us and as we hastily stated that we were just friends they would laugh claiming that “just friends don’t look at each other like that”.

I guess you could say it was a battle of wills, the person who admitted their feelings first lost- it’s always been a battle between the two of us and I think that’s why we work. We would both be bored by an ‘ideal’ relationship; and let’s be realistic, there is nothing ideal or traditional about the two of us. It’s the conflict that keeps our fire burning.

I can’t remember who caved first, despite our need for competition we never seem to have a clear winner, but I do remember the moment that we both said the three scariest words known to man. It was on our mini road trip- I had just turned 21 and you had never been to Disney World so we decided to spend a weekend in Vegas before driving down to International Drive for a week of magic. We had managed to reach Disney just in time for the fireworks and as I turned to see your stupid face grinning back at me as you grabbed my hand in yours, the words tumbled out in the most unromantic way imaginable. Wiping the mustard of my lip from the hotdogs we had inhaled you laughed and mumbled “I love you almost as much as I love Disney as well you idiot”. Then you kissed me and even though you tasted like ketchup, which you know I can’t stand. The moment was still annoyingly perfect- it was just like the movies we go to the cinema and watch purely to make jokes about- there was fireworks (literally) and we forgot everything but each other.

You became not only the person who came on every adventure with me, but also the person who I would cuddle and watch Netflix with. No compliment flattered me as much as the way you would look at me did- it was like you thought I was made of magic.

And now here we are, it feels like decades even though it’s only been a couple of years – I just wanted you to have a way of always knowing that I love you with every piece of my fucked up heart. A way of remembering that even though neither of us is perfect, there is nobody else that I could imagine being imperfect with.

 So I guess I will drink to that- to the perfect little mess we make.

(To clarify this is completely creative, my romantic life is still dead in the water, It was simply inspired by a mixture of exhaustion, my overly emotional brain and videos of Disney proposals and wedding speeches. Also the image isn't mine x)

The Now

I am really sorry about my unexplained disappearing act, this post was supposed to have gone up nearly two weeks ago. Just before I went on holiday. However as my holiday neared I started to become extremely overwhelmed; with the anxiety of flying and being in an unknown place, the pressure being put on me as my results near and the constant questions about my plans for the future I found myself so stressed and anxious that I could barely get out of bed. So I decided to disconnect, completely shut myself away from all social media and give myself a break from all of the stress I have been put under and that I have been adding to myself. 

However I am back now, feeling refreshed and in a marginally better or at least different place than I was two weeks ago- and I find it quite ironic that the post I had planned to upload before I went away is in fact very closely linked to this concept of disconnecting. 

Recently a lot of pressure has been put on myself and everyone else around my age to start planning our futures. A Level results day is rapidly approaching and with that comes the time to start applying for university and preparing for our final years of mandatory education.

And with this new need to plan for the future I have found myself dwelling on the past. Every day I find myself considering what my life would be like if I had made a different decision at the crossroads, or if I had missed that bump in the road. I see how fast my life has gone and wonder whether I am happy with how I lived then when I decide on my answer, what I would have done differently, my regrets, my achievements, my happiest and saddest memories and how even the slightest difference could have had such a great impact. It’s thoughts like this that fill my mind at 2 AM, just like they are as I’m writing this- so I apologise for the rambling.

But with this emphasis on my future and my existential thoughts of the past, I somehow have forgotten about ‘The Now’. I am so busy making plans or looking at my regrets that I don’t take the time to appreciate my life in this moment in time. I look at my struggles and wallow in self pity then look at the steep climb that I must take to get to my goals without appreciating the view I have now and the climb it took for me to get here. I am so blessed.

Despite my past I have a beautiful family, who love me endlessly despite my flaws- family who I cannot imagine being without- when a year ago I was convinced that they would be better off without me- who I am now making memories with that I know I will cherish forever. A family who would defend me from the knights of Hell themselves, and win- purely because that is what family does. They accept every part of me and we use each other for strength, whether we admit to it or not. I am surrounded by some truly inspiring and strong people- people who are questionably great role models who I strive to make proud. We mock each other and argue and tease but deep down- there are very few families as close as ours.

 I have friends who see the brightest parts of me and make the dark parts lighter. Who make me smile no matter what I may be going through and who I know will be there for me through everything- friends who seem to only be given to characters in stories and yet somehow I ended up gifted with them in real life. Friends who I have shared some of my happiest and hardest parts of my life with and friends who mean just as much, despite us only being at the start of our journey together.  We are a group of oddly- matched, clashing personalities that constantly bicker and debate and taunt- yet somehow we remain together, bonded by something unspoken and unbreakable. Friends who I know live for the good times and will help me fight through the bad; because that’s just what we do. Friends who I cannot wait to experience life with.

I am privileged and, despite my own problems that are personal to me, I have never struggled. I have never gone hungry, I’ve never been physically abused, I have never been homeless. I live a life that is a gift which I constantly forget to be thankful for and strive to acknowledge more. I don’t want to lose what I have before I notice how much that really is. 

 So I guess this is just a rambley way of me giving praise and thanks to ‘The Now’. I am sorry I forget to appreciate the present while I dream of the future and reminisce of the past. But please know, it’s not because I love it any less- but because I am too busy loving it in its entirety that  I don’t get chance to think about just how happy my ‘Now’ makes me.

Love, 

Georgia xxx

And I thought the best way to end this post was to share some of my favourite ‘Nows’ with you. 

One of the legendary parties

Christmas Shopping in Lone with my Mum and Nana

Thom's 17th Birthday

All Time Low at Wembley Arena

The Tent Party

The Best English Lit Class 

Bread's 18th Birthday

The most candid photo I will ever show to the public

The Eurovision Sweepstake Party 

Another Iconic Party despite the smaller turnout

The only person who I can take good selfies with whilst intoxicated

My pre-17th Meal with my not so baby cousin

My little cousin and baby brother post birthday cake and ice cream

Mrs Nana after too many gin and tonics at my Birthday meal

Celebrating my birthday like it's the 1950's

The better table at my actual birthday meal

The Blog Squad (https://t.co/D1g9u7nVqz , xdumxspiroxsperox.blogspot.co.uk ,
roaritsnat.blogspot.co.uk and  http://www.hipsteeria.blogspot.com/ 
-You should check them all out they're all amazing.)

A surprisingly fun UCAS event

Garden Party in the rain

The Lit Trip to London

My eyebrow and blog mentor (RoarItsNat- she's one of my favourite bloggers ever)

My Lit Partner and favourite YouTube Personality
 (ImMatture- seriously he's hilarious)

Skipping a class to take photos with bad MacBook filters

Pretending to be frat guys

Yet another Garden party 

Drunk Pouting

Road Trip dates 

The first night of our cruise

Partial-Squad trip to Hanley 

"Where are you Christmas"

"The Other Half"

 I hear some of my closest friends saying that they can't wait to find their "other half" or call their partner their "missing piece"-  this "other half " business seems completely ridiculous and in some ways undermining to me- they are a whole person with or without their partner; with their own body, their own soul and their own mind with all of the elements that come with that. I have never thought of them as less than a whole person whether they were in a relationship or not.

They have slowly become dependent on the love and company of others and in doing so, have lost their own identity- or at least their own perception of it. They have forgotten that it is possible for them to be alone, to eat alone, to sleep alone and in doing so have forgotten who they are, they struggle to find their inspiration, to grow, to dream, to build their own beliefs because they are now trying to share these things with another person. They forget that even without their partner, they are still a whole. And because of this new found need for companionship they no longer recognise love for what it is and they can never be sure that it is love again because they are no longer sure of themselves.

They slowly come to believe that they are no longer responsible for themselves, that they have to love themselves because they are too busy trying to find someone to save them that they no longer need to take responsibility for their own lives. They have this idea that their lives are like some YA romance novel and that their lives will magically get better when they meet a boy. They don't realise that a love like there's can be one sided and that they deserve better than someone they have to beg to stay- that laying in bed with someone who they had to break their ribs to fit into their heart will not make them less lonely.

But to say all of this without some form of explanation would leave a bitter taste and the impression that I am just lonely and jealous- but that assumption is so far from the truth.

I cannot wait to fall in love. To find someone who sees the dark and twisty roads that are in my head and still walks down them because they know that if they do- there is a sunny field just beyond the horizon. While my friends talk of butterflies and fireworks I will be living burning stars and supernovas- they will describe surprise trips to the country with mild enjoyment while I think of how I was crying with laughter in a supermarket at 2AM. They will relish in the mundane while I think of how we are ice and fire- your warmth melting the frozen parts of me while my kiss soothes your hot head. They settle for comfort while we push each other- take each other to the very limits without ever crossing the line; with a love like an artist has for his paints- their love will seem lukewarm while ours burns my lips with the gentlest of kisses.

I can't wait to be slightly drunk and watching you from our bed while you stand on the balcony at 1AM, thinking of your future. I wont have to ask if I'm in it because I will be comfortable enough in myself to know that even if I am not I would still have my own life to live- but I will still hope, because I am so in love with you.

I don't have to go searching for my "other half" because I have faith that the universe will bring me what I need when the time is right and until that time comes- I am enough of a person to not need someone else. I don't need another half because I am already a whole.

With all of my love,

Georgia x

Twitter: GeorgiaIsAWhat
Tumblr: http://silver-screencliche.tumblr.com/
Instagram: GeorgiaJunePowell
Snapchat: georgiajune

#DearMe

Dear 12 year old Me,

I’m not sure where this is going to go, but first off well done. You have just moved away from some of the most negative people in your life and I promise that will do nothing to you but make your life better.

I know these past few years have been hard, and it feels like the world is against you- but, I promise you, it’s not. You are still so young and have so much to learn before you will truly appreciate the life you have, and that isn’t your fault.

You are going through one of the darkest times I’ve seen you in and although I can’t promise you it’s going to get better anytime soon, I promise you that one day it will. And when it does, things will be so great that you almost forget how bad you felt in the past. The only thing that I can give to you now is some words of advice:

Firstly, you think you know everything- you don’t. Accept when you are wrong and learn from your mistakes. It’s the only way you will grow.

You’re going to go through some things in the next few years that you shouldn’t have to deal with at such a young age. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and support, and definitely do not deny those things to the people who ask for them. The people you surround yourself with now will be with you for years to come, through the worst of times and the best.

You are going to meet some truly amazing people in a couple of years. Plan ahead and don’t build your walls up so high; it’ll save you a lot of time and will help you to make some of the best friends you could ever imagine having.

Don’t be afraid to sever some ties. Some of the people you are surrounding yourself with are holding you back and making your journey a hundred times harder. Don’t be ashamed to let go of relationships that aren’t good for you.

Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. You are your own biggest critic and trust me when I say that in the long run, the things you are stressed out about now will have no impact on you in a few year time. It’s okay to be a perfectionist, but perfection isn’t always necessary.

Put faith in something, a huge wait will be lifted from your shoulders when you realise that there is something greater having an influence on your life. You may not believe in God, but believe in a higher power- even if it is as simple as fate.

Practice your art more. Don’t quit your music lessons. Do another play. Don’t let that passion fade away.

Love yourself. Your life is much too busy to waste time looking at your imperfections. You will still see them in the mirror for years to come, but there are so many other things you could be doing instead of wasting time hating yourself.

Spend more time with your family and your friends. I know you would rather spend your time alone, but trust me- you can’t make amazing memories to look back on if you never leave your room.

Hold on to that fire you have- it’s one of the best things about you. You may be stubborn and impatient and having that fire burning in you may mean that you’re a little too argumentative - but that fire is also the fuel for your passion and that stubbornness will get you to some pretty great places.

Stop swimming oceans for people who wouldn’t step over a puddle for you. This is one of your worst features. You may think it will aid you in building and holding on to relationships; but all it really does is make people think that they can walk all over you.

Say ‘Yes’ to more things. Some of the opportunities that you are offered will give you the chance to make some amazing memories and to have some great experiences. Some of your biggest regrets will come from being too afraid to take a chance.

And finally, don’t push people away. Things are going to get harder before they get better, you are going to need as many people fighting in your corner as you can get.

Love,

16 year old You

xx